GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8)You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap . GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. . GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Oklahoma officials say a typo resulted in a state employee receiving a bonus of $850,000 — but it was only temporary. Jo Harris was supposed to receive an $850 longevity bonus for working at the Oklahoma Employment Security Commission for seven years. But a misplaced decimal point turned that into a six-figure windfall. Officials say they caught the error before the $850,000 left state funds. Harris's original paycheck issued in February was canceled and a new one was issued with the correct bonus. Officials told Harris about the mistake and asked her to watch her personal bank account. Harris said she would let state officials know right away if the extra money entered her account because "I don't go to jail for anybody."
Timmy the tortoise might well feel a little shell-shocked yesterday - after being found 13 miles from home. But mystery surrounds just how the 50-year-old pet got that far. Owners David and Jean Hipperson feared they would never see Timmy again after she vanished from her hut in the back garden. Two weeks went by and the couple of Trowbridge, Wilts, put up missing posters but had no luck. But then a woman spotted Timmy walking along a main road 13 miles away in Midsomer Norton. The Moroccan spur-thigh tortoise clocked up an average speed of 0.038mph during her long walk - well below the average tortoise top speed of 0.3mph. At her fastest Timmy could have completed the incredible 13-mile trip in 43 hours. Grandad David, 63, admitted yesterday: "I'm baffled how she could have walked so far. Tortoises are not exactly famous for being quick off the mark and Timmy isn't even energetic for a tortoise - so how she made it that far is a mystery. I would love to find out how she did it." The woman who found Timmy handed her to a local vet who had seen the missing posters and contacted dad-of-three dairy worker David. The tortoise has been in the family for 39 years and was named Timmy because David initially thought the pet was male. Andrew Pomphrey, 45, from the British Tortoise Society, said: "It's possible that a tortoise could walk that distance in that time. "They have a fair bit of pace on them when they get going so you couldn't rule it out. Having said that, I have never known one to go that far. It's quite an achievement." 0.35mph The average top speed of a tortoise in a hurry