Wednesday, July 9, 2008

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

Grasp cat firmly in your arms.
Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle.
Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty."
Drop pill into its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left handand back paws with elbow of right arm.
Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed.
Get new pill from bottle.
(Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again, proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradledin bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jawand pop the pill in -- quickly.
Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If you're a woman, have a good cry.
If you're a man, have a good cry.
Now, pull yourself together.
Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat and pill.
Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill and . . . Ooooops!
This isn't working, is it?
Collapse and think. Aha!
Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to linen closet.
Drag back large bath towel.
Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
Spread cat on towel near one endwith its head over long edge.
Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.(Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll cat in towel. Work fast --time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
Resume position #1.
Rotate your left hand to cat's head.
Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently.Voila! It's done.
Vacuum up loose fur (cat's).
Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
Take two aspirins and lie down.

The Improv Human Mirror on a Subway

15 pairs of twins create a human mirror on a New York subway car.

Jobs In The Lumber Industry

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.
The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he’s knocking on the lumberjack’s door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can’t believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure……That’s what they call it now!"