3 Wishes

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
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Car Joke

When is a car not a car?

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When it turns into a parking lot.

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Visiting Kissimmee

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM .’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead"
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A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?He answered, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill.."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.."
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff? 'The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad" Bob
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Homework

Teacher: "James where is your homework?"

James: "I ate it"

Teacher: "Why?"

James: "Because you said it was a piece of cake!"

Pulled over

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road,
she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.
Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said,
"Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Her 7 year old son piped up from the back seat,
"I do ... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

Jobs In The Lumber Industry

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.
The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he’s knocking on the lumberjack’s door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can’t believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure……That’s what they call it now!"

Expensive Fishing Trip

Husband and wife went on a fishing trip.
They rented all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the wife catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. Husband turns to his wife and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The wife says, "Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!

Exercise for people 50 and over ….

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
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With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
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After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where y0u can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
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After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

When 1 + 1 = 1

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
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Vincent: One dollar.
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Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
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Vincent (sadly): You don’t know my father.

Pricey Parrots......................

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot to the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.

The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, "That one costs $2,000."

Needless to say this begs the question, "What can IT do?"

The owner replies "To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

How Far

A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field.
The man called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.
The farmer didn't answer.
So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.
After the man had gone about 100 yards the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."
Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired,
"Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
"Well," said the farmer, "I didn't know how fast you could walk."

Funny Jokes

My sister walked into a men's clothing store looking to buy a shirt for me and pants for my stepfather. Now, I'm well over six feet tall and my stepdad is pretty short, so she asked a salesman for help. "I'm looking for a shirt with an 18 neck and 38-inch sleeves," she told him, "and trousers with a 30-inch waist and an inseam of 27 inches." After absorbing those measurements, the salesman said, "I have to ask. Do this guy's knuckles drag on the floor?"

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I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail -- so we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before we made the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point. The note was printed: "Coming Soon! New Larger Bills!"

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Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

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Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow. My husband was starting to flip out, so I tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," I said, "our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" my husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."
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When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner -- both EMTs -- rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked."Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?""It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?""Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.

How to tell the Males Flies from the Females

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter.
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“What are you doing?” she asked.
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“Hunting Flies”, he responded.
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“Oh! Got any?” she asked.
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“Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females”, he replied.
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Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
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He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

An Interesting Riddle....

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

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Michael J. Fox has a small one.

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Madonna doesn't have one.

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The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

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Clinton uses his all the time.

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Bush is one.

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Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

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Liberace never used his on women.

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Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

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Cher claims that she took on 3.

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We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

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What is it? Answer below! (This is pretty good)

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The answer is: "A Last Name."

Snow Plow!!

One winter morning at breakfast, a couple was listening to the radio.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today.”
You will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."
So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

A short conversation with God

Mr. Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

WHERE TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

That makes sense to me

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