Funny Jokes

My sister walked into a men's clothing store looking to buy a shirt for me and pants for my stepfather. Now, I'm well over six feet tall and my stepdad is pretty short, so she asked a salesman for help. "I'm looking for a shirt with an 18 neck and 38-inch sleeves," she told him, "and trousers with a 30-inch waist and an inseam of 27 inches." After absorbing those measurements, the salesman said, "I have to ask. Do this guy's knuckles drag on the floor?"

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I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail -- so we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before we made the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point. The note was printed: "Coming Soon! New Larger Bills!"

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Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

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Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow. My husband was starting to flip out, so I tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," I said, "our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" my husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."
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When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner -- both EMTs -- rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked."Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?""It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?""Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.