Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Funny Jokes

My sister walked into a men's clothing store looking to buy a shirt for me and pants for my stepfather. Now, I'm well over six feet tall and my stepdad is pretty short, so she asked a salesman for help. "I'm looking for a shirt with an 18 neck and 38-inch sleeves," she told him, "and trousers with a 30-inch waist and an inseam of 27 inches." After absorbing those measurements, the salesman said, "I have to ask. Do this guy's knuckles drag on the floor?"


I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail -- so we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before we made the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point. The note was printed: "Coming Soon! New Larger Bills!"


Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow. My husband was starting to flip out, so I tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," I said, "our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" my husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner -- both EMTs -- rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked."Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?""It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?""Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.

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