Thursday, April 12, 2007


They are as follows . . .
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationery.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

All new meaning of mounting your diamond

Getting Older

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Brides Deceased Father Attends Wedding

Bride Celeste Egan carried her late father down the aisle after his body was turned into a diamond.
After Mick Egan died of a brain hemorrhage last year, Susan, his wife of 30 years, decided a diamond would make a fitting memorial.
The stone took 24 weeks to create and arrived the day before daughter Celeste's wedding, in time for her to carry it down the aisle.
Celeste, from Blackpool, told the BBC: "It seemed like the right thing to do for us as a family and for my Dad - we think he would have loved the idea."
Creating a diamond from a body involves extracting carbon from the ashes, then heating it to extreme temperatures to convert it into graphite.
Susan Egan added: "We had to have a blue one because my husband's eyes are blue. I never visualized that it would be so beautiful until it arrived. He is my diamond geezer now. "It was the right thing to do and it just brings me so much comfort that I've got it now to last forever."

Caught sleeping on Camera

Kids Are Great

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.
Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty.
Maybe you should try putting something in your stomach."

The next day, the mother mentioned that her head hurt.
To which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty.
Maybe you should try putting something in your head."

Clever Dog

This dog wants the ball but, doesn't want to jump in pool

Do You Have A Dead Marriage?

How about a wedding ring coffin?
Talk about burying the past. A New York divorcee has come up with a solution for failed marriages -- a miniature coffin to lay those unwanted wedding rings to rest.
"Give a dead marriage its proper, final resting place," the company offering the miniature caskets says on its website.
"The Wedding Ring Coffin is the perfect gift for yourself or a loved one for bringing closure after a divorce. It's time to bury the past and move on to a new tomorrow," it says.
The 15 by five centimeter (six by two inch) solid wood coffin has a black velvet ring insert, a choice of six brass plaques inscribed with messages including "I do NOT!" and "Six feet isn't deep enough," and costs 30 dollars.
"It's a way to acknowledge the death of a marriage and to physically and symbolically close the lid on that chapter of your life."
"Most people just stick their rings in the bottom of their jewelry box, in a corner of a sock or underwear drawer," added Testa, who surprisingly describes her own divorce after 20 years of marriage as amicable.
Her company, Wedding Ring Coffin, even offers cards inviting people to join in your marriage wake, featuring the slogan: "You're invited to my divorce party. Join me as I close the lid on my marriage."

Math Is Fun

It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of that waste of time things, its fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(More than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757...If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number

OK take a look

The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
2007 is the only year it will work, so pass it around.

Phone math
Grab a calculator. You won’t be able to do this in your head.
Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number (not the area code)
Multiply by 80
Add 1
Multiply by 250
Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again (just for good measure)
Subtract 250
Divide your answer by 2.
Do you recognize the answer?
If you did the correct math the answer should be your phone number.

Hey, I don't want to die yet

10 pet peeves that dogs have about humans

1. Blaming your farts on me, not funny, not funny at all!
2 Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip" and then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters... Hello, haven’t you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know whose boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you???

Yeah, what do you want

Bad Timing