Monday, April 16, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Joke of the day
Three Blondes were applying for a position with the
Iowa Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as Scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . .
“He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did.
This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple life
Life is too short not to enjoy it.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of timewith him or her!
6. When the tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only ones, who are with us our entire life, are yourself and the Lord. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, or even to a foreign country, but NOT to where theguilt is
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple life
Life is too short not to enjoy it.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of timewith him or her!
6. When the tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only ones, who are with us our entire life, are yourself and the Lord. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, or even to a foreign country, but NOT to where theguilt is
10. Tell the people you love that you love and care for them, at every opportunity.
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Jokes of the day
Bad Day Gambling
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
A Helpful Friend
Lewis had a crush on a beautiful girl. Unknown to Lewis, his friend Johnny also liked the girl and was upset that Lewis was able to talk to her and get to know her so easily. Lewis finally decided he would make a bold move. He told the girl that for her 21st birthday he would send her a red rose for each year. He thought that it would really impress the girl and win her heart to him.
After Lewis ordered the flowers, Johnny stopped by the flower shop and told the florist he wanted to increase the order by another dozen flowers for his friend.
Lewis never did find out what made the beautiful girl so angry that she would not speak to him.
Lewis had a crush on a beautiful girl. Unknown to Lewis, his friend Johnny also liked the girl and was upset that Lewis was able to talk to her and get to know her so easily. Lewis finally decided he would make a bold move. He told the girl that for her 21st birthday he would send her a red rose for each year. He thought that it would really impress the girl and win her heart to him.
After Lewis ordered the flowers, Johnny stopped by the flower shop and told the florist he wanted to increase the order by another dozen flowers for his friend.
Lewis never did find out what made the beautiful girl so angry that she would not speak to him.
A Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity. He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't start his swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snow ball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity. He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't start his swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snow ball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Quote For The Day
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot-
- Walter Bagehot-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
